I didn't actually say the bit about the guy seeming nice aloud while at brunch with my friends. Like I said, I didn't know him well, I'm not qualified to diagnose people, and that particular friend seemed to have it sorted - she'd already left him and was completely free from his grasp.

I'll tell you what I did say aloud when one of my friends actually was in an abusive relationship:

*I asked her if she thought she might be in an abusive relationship. I'm the first person who said anything about it to her. She got mad at me, defended him, then didn't talk to me for months.

*When she finally did start talking to me again, I told her about my own brief experience with abuse, and how I wasn't ready to leave until I was actually ready to leave, and no one could have convinced me otherwise, so I knew she was the only one who actually knew her situation, so I would be there whatever she decided to do.

*When I was in town, and her shithead of a boyfriend told her she couldn't see me, I said, "I was your friend long before he showed up, and if you want me to be here, I'll be here long after he's gone. You can reach out to me any time and I'll be here." Honestly it was kind of hard to say that when I felt like she was rejecting me - but the situation was bigger than me, so I tried to let the hurt go. After that, she hid our friendship from him as if it were an affair. That dude HATED me.

*When she said, "I know I need to leave, I just don't know how." I offered to rent a moving van and help her move out while he was at work.

*I listened for hours while she described the abuse. She'd already found some educational materials about it, and I backed her up when she pointed out how his abuse matched what she'd read about abusive people.

*A few days later when she started defending him again, I listened to that, too, and told her I'd be there regardless.

*When she said she needed to leave, again, I offered her money so she could get out and find a safe place on her own.

*When she finally did leave him, I was there on the phone for hours as she sorted through it.

*When I found out she'd sequestered herself in her new apartment and hadn't left in a month (this was pre-pandemic) I drove hours to her town and took her to the beach.

Was that fucking asshole who had her in his grasp for 5 years a narcissist? Again, I still don't know what he was. I'm not qualified to diagnose people, but I think he was an actual narcissist. She was a shadow of herself the whole time she was with him. She twitched and apologized and made herself small. THAT was an abusive relationship, not that petty shit my two friends were discussing over brunch, not my various exes (except for the one) who were just normal dudes doing normal dumb dude things.

I agree with you that there IS such a thing as abusive relationships. And I'm very glad people like you are writing about it - my friend, the one described above? She's also writing about it. We need your voices. In your writing, the people who actually are in an abusive relationship will recognize their partners, and it'll be one more step to wriggling out of his/her grasp.

But this little article is for the other people - who I think make up the majority - who are throwing around the word narcissist like it's nothing, making the word "abuse" meaningless. My point was that you don't need to diagnose your partner to leave. If a relationship feels bad, that's a good enough reason to leave!